I find myself, today, in a state of depression. I have not chosen this state, I have not decided to feel this way, it is what it is. I have tried to meditate, I have read Suttas and discourses, but the depression remains. I do not want to end my life because I know, in my heart, that there are good times ahead. I have my partner, Sharon, who lights up my life every day, I have our three cats that create fun filled havoc all the time, yet I feel depressed. My journey to Nibbana has ground to a halt for the moment, and there is nothing I can do to kick start my lazy butt and get things going again.
God; I sound sorry for myself, yet I am not.
Genuine clinical depression rarely results in the notion of feeling sorry for oneself. In fact that is an incredibly rare occurrence. Clinical depression results in the brain slowing down to an almost dead stop. There is an overwhelming sense of heaviness and an empty feeling in your gut. Nothing interests you, not even your favorite TV program, and socialising is a complete no-no. There seems to be absolutely no point to the day. Eating provides no release, talking just passes a few minutes, all you wish for is for the evening to come when you can go to bed and end the day by going back to sleep. That is true depression!
I am writing this as a form of self therapy, so forgive my self-indulgence. Buddhism isn’t just about meditation and chanting, but is about understanding oneself, and getting to grips with how your mind works. My mind does not work properly so I have to resort to this sort of tactic to try and keep control of it. No-one else can do it for me, so once again, I beg forgiveness.
Anyway, that is enough from me for the moment, I have Sharon and the cats to tend too.
May you all find peace.